In JKD...

I'd have written about this much sooner but the tournament happened...then I got caught up in writing a poem about the crush, even though the event I wanted to relay is about her. What can I say? My need to express myself through the poem took over.

I was paired with her in JKD 1. We were practicing responses to the lead Now-Tek (hooking kick). Our legs touched. She scratched me with her big toe. It may have drawn blood. She didn't know it happened. I told her. She apologized. I didn't want her apology, I just wanted her acknowledgment that this moment happened, even if her understanding of it was drastically different than mine. I kept thinking this is the most physical contact we would ever have, and I savored it quietly. She's amiable and likes to laugh. I did not have to hide my smiles, just that goofy glazed over twinkle that effects both drunks and the lovestruck.

The sexual symbolism of her drawing my blood was immediate (to me). Here she is with a chastity ring (I still haven't pressed her if this is a promise ring or a purity right for the wedding) and I'm the one cut open. If I was the virgin in this situation, what was lost/gained? Certainly nothing so practical as my first time working with a girl in a martial context. I didn't reveal anything of import, nor did she. It is more primal than that; she pierced me, and I delight in the wound. I'm supposed to be bound to another and she cut through that carelessly, unknowingly. She barely broke skin, but the force caries on to the center. Hmph, none of that translates into a smooth lost/gained binary opposition. I've certainly lost, but what have I gained here? I do not know.

I'm reaching that point where sincerity turns saccharine. Sincerity, the genuine, is the hardest thing in the world to express, especially when it's connected to love and suffering.

And all the while I am a failure and traitor, try as I may, I have not served G well.

A curse

It's 2 am. In the middle of july, her air conditioner is broken. She's stripped to nothing and the bed cover sticks to her skin. At that moment, when she is alone with her chastity ring, I want her to think of me and thirst....

Starting with the tourney

I did okay. 2nd place finishes. In my "secret identity" I offered up regular updates, so I don't feel the need to really talk about it here. I was unable to pass the guard when I needed to, and I've got to work on half-guard defense and get more "live" take down practice

Measure for improvement

When BJJ is the simplest thing in your life, you ain't doin' something right! That being said, a new phenomena is taking place in my training which indicates that ever elusive and vaguely quantifiable rubric known as progress: I'm catching newbies in triangles. Yes, me with the stocky, muscular legs of a full-back fused to the body of a disney-fied fairy is catching dudes in triangles. I'm not hitting them on experienced guys--I never seem to hit much of anything on them--but it's a start.

Also, the brown belt taught me how to do a flying armbar, but more importantly, he showed me a way to SET-UP the flying armbar with the awesome power of deception.

So yeah, my personal life is a mess, and my professional life looks like the innards of a jelly fish, but my BJJ is goin' places.

Now if I could just clone myself and alter time I'd be set!

I need more radiaton therapy

Spent the weekend at the beach house with parents and G. My mom thinks we're soul mates, yet all I see is dusk; the sun setting on our relationship. If G gets this job, she will have no reason to leave Tallahassee. And I don't think I can bring myself to move back there. All the while, an unreciprocated crush has me feeling foolish and distant and alone. I haven't voiced any of my concerns to G, maybe I should.

BJJ Turbo

The tournament is less than a week away, Wed. will be my last crossfit workout, thursday my last bjj workout. I'm feelin' a little nervous, having all those little doubts and fears I enjoy vanquishing with a rear naked. Guard passing and armbar escapes will take most of my energy this week. Since the tournament is in Charlotte I've recruited a friend to come with me. Very thankful for him, known him since I was 6, because as much as I hate driving up to Charlotte at the ass crack of dawn, the idea of driving back, after several sustained beatings, makes me wanna cry. Just think, I win this, I get a samurai sword.

I've been trying to war game my opponents, get some idea of whom my the unknown opposition will be. It may be under 140, but I still may be on the small side of the scale. I should expect some guys to cut weight, possibly as high as from 160. I will probably see a smattering of high school wrestling converts (I think college wrestling experience pretty much equals intermediate group in the eyes of these judges). It's also plausible I will see guys smaller than me. It has been a over a year since I've grappled someone unconditionally smaller than me. Will have to watch my base, and shouldn't be surprised if a smaller guy turns out to be stronger/faster/smellier than me.
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I need to be ready for attacks primarily from the guard and take downs. I need to use my judo throws and sweeps, and if he's a wrestler, be ready to go for a sub off a failed sweep attempt.

This the men's over 30 age bracket. I have no idea what to expect conditioning wise, and it wouldn't surprise me if the division was folded into another.

Could have been worse

Went to the first counseling session today. It was tolerable. Having been through therapy before I had an idea what to expect. The therapist was an outgoing guy, throwing out plenty of questions, but filled with personal anecdotes, unusual in my experience. My therapist always played the cipher, impassive, sparse, never mentioning his personal life.

He asked us why we were here, which I figured he would, so I answered first since I'd given it some thought. Much of what was said is stuff I've said here, minus MOST of the profanities. The one exception being when he asked me how I felt about my sister, "I fucking hate her."

If my parents commit to it, like I hope they will, they will be the ones seeing the therapist most of the time, then I'll be brought back in, or rotated with the babykicker, assuming she ever agrees to participate (not holding my breath)