BJJ Turbo

The tournament is less than a week away, Wed. will be my last crossfit workout, thursday my last bjj workout. I'm feelin' a little nervous, having all those little doubts and fears I enjoy vanquishing with a rear naked. Guard passing and armbar escapes will take most of my energy this week. Since the tournament is in Charlotte I've recruited a friend to come with me. Very thankful for him, known him since I was 6, because as much as I hate driving up to Charlotte at the ass crack of dawn, the idea of driving back, after several sustained beatings, makes me wanna cry. Just think, I win this, I get a samurai sword.

I've been trying to war game my opponents, get some idea of whom my the unknown opposition will be. It may be under 140, but I still may be on the small side of the scale. I should expect some guys to cut weight, possibly as high as from 160. I will probably see a smattering of high school wrestling converts (I think college wrestling experience pretty much equals intermediate group in the eyes of these judges). It's also plausible I will see guys smaller than me. It has been a over a year since I've grappled someone unconditionally smaller than me. Will have to watch my base, and shouldn't be surprised if a smaller guy turns out to be stronger/faster/smellier than me.
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I need to be ready for attacks primarily from the guard and take downs. I need to use my judo throws and sweeps, and if he's a wrestler, be ready to go for a sub off a failed sweep attempt.

This the men's over 30 age bracket. I have no idea what to expect conditioning wise, and it wouldn't surprise me if the division was folded into another.

What I've been up to

Posting on this blog has been sparse, I know, I know, "he's always got an excuse" But in this case I've been trying to establish myself on dailykos, in the hopes of a) making a meaningful contribution to political debate and b)cultivate an audience, one that might be interested in my creative writing as well as my critical output. Dare to dream, I know.

Speaking of daring to dream, that friggin' nerve in my left leg is the in-law from hell. The good news is I can do most of the workouts and train at the dojo, but I can't run on the damn thing without feelin' pain. I will do my best to be patient. After the tournament on July 11, I will go into rehab mode.

Health Notes

Leg continues to improve s l o w l y. Fuckin' thing still hurts.

But on a positive note, I set new personal bests in my crossfit workout yesterday.
I did Lynne: 5 sets of max reps body-weight bench and max reps pull ups. ON the first set I achieved personal bests on both. 18 reps of 135 lbs bench press/25 pull ups.

General State of Things

Did some side-control drills last night. I managed to recover guard on everyone, and all but one---I believe--was unable to recover on me. Not bad.

God, as much as I hate work, I'll be pleased to be generating income again. I need to move out of this house. Away from my father, away from the babykicker, and away from my neat freak mom (the only member of the family whom I have a good relationship with).

I'm sleeping in a little too long most days, and any behavior that is even vaguely comparable to the babykicker's makes me a bit neurotic and self-conscious.

I just returned from a lifting and swimming workout. I feel good, energized...I also have too much Endorush in my system. I may go to the dojo later and get another crossfit workout in. I really don't want to be up all night because of some damn energy drink.

I submitted a few poems to an online lit mag, I know the ed. in chief, although we haven't talked in a few years. I'm hoping that, even if rejected, she can give me some advice on what to do with the material. (I've been toying with showing these poems to my girlfriend for the last few months, but I've been reticent to do so because they are about our shared trauma, and how I/we've been affected. I'm scared of her response. I showed her a PS statement I wrote a couple years ago and, er. she took it the wrong way. This is a trust thing. And I wonder if, in order to--and I feel like a self-help book saying this--work through the trauma I need to do this, consequences be damned. This strikes me as peculiarly analogous do the decision people make after they've cheated on a lover. Do you confess or do you bury it? There's no telling what will happen, there isn't even a guarantee that it will be beneficial on an individual if you tell the truth. Hmm, that's interesting. Do I believe I am engaging in a deception by not showing her the poems?)

I'll say this for Endorush, it ain't a bad motivator for writing, but don't tell anyone it can focus the left brain, that's the purview of evil S L O W drugs like pot. Then again, maybe it's a good idea most writer's DON'T try Endorush for creative purposes. That's all the world needs, a bunch of writers hopped up on uppers. So instead of dealing with a bunch who are largely prone to suicide and drink, you'd have a bunch prone to suicide and pep. They'd get around to killing themselves much faster cutting their work out put in half, that or they'd merely do the same work in half the time.

Conditioning

Will be reevaluating my conditioning after the tournament. I feel tired, more so than I should be in my opinion. The now progressively challenging fitness kickboxing has something to do with it. Need to change the days and timing of my crossfit sessions.

Fitness Kickboxing...to the death!

Most of the time in Fitness Kickboxing and JKD 1, I'm one of the more advanced students when it comes to basic boxing. I spend a lot of time working on THEIR form and their feeding technique. But not last night.

There is a girl--she has twins, is "girl" a wee bit condescending??--who comes to the dojo in spurts. She happens to have great legs, a friendly disposition, and a black belt in Muy Thai. Her smile is arresting. Big and honest, she has one tooth in the front row that juts at a precarious angle. Is it a simple renegade tooth making trouble for her brothers and sisters or the result of something vicious, a punch she had for breakfast early in her training or an oopsie, a clutsy mistake we all make, like walking into a pole or it could be the scar of her own personal trauma. The smart money is on the knuckle sandwich.
She-- Oh that's right, she's not JUST a black belt, she passed an instructor level examination. Regardless, I haven't worked with her in at least nine months. When it comes to feeding, it's pretty easy to sit on your heels, get a little too comfortable with beginners. Not with her, I was fighting for my life. She wasn't out to kill me, she's just that good. She has speed, she has intent, and she seemed to lean forward a little.
I couldn't tell if that's what she was doing or the way she carried her head, I was too preoccupied with not getting hit! In fact, during one of the two other times I've fed for her she whacked me twice, once in the eye, once in the mouth. This made me feel tentative. I grabbed my mouth guard at the first opportunity.
"Mouth-guard? You don't trust me?"
"No." And no disrespect was intended, just the opposite. Her punches are straight, and if you ain't ready you will get popped. Despite being a little scared--scared of a girl yes, I admit it--I want to work with her again. She pushed me from both directions, and offered the occasional constructive criticism.
"When you bob and weave, look at my chest." Now there's something you won't hear a woman say very often. I kept this observation to myself.

Future Sifu?

On Friday one of the Sifus--call him Sifu Shellshock--approached me about becoming an instructor, noting my pursuit of a broad based skill set and a short handed staff (I'm sure my teaching experience also makes me an attractive candidate). I'd love to teach for the dojo, but since my current status is King of the White Belts, there's not much I'm really qualified to teach. Guess I'd be playing junior instructor for quite some time. (But I do daydream a lot about establishing a true bjj technique class. Then again, I don't see why I couldn't teach a fitness kickboxing class or get a Crossfit cert and teach a straight conditioning class.

Would I be paid? Any extra cash is good cash.

Soreness

Yesterday I ran 3 miles before kickboxing, which wouldn't have been a problem if I had waited 3 hours between the two instead of a paltry 90 minutes. Ugh. I am sore, a fused hunk of metal sore...and i have this sneaking suspicion that there will be another gauntlet tonight (either consciously or otherwise they always tend to happen in pairs).

In my day life, it's safe to assume I'm not getting a 14 week section. Girlfriend suggested I apply as a sub. teacher. I'll look into it, but districts may not be hiring until summer if not at all.

I am becoming...?

I've grappled twice this week, fairly light stuff but I'm yet to be wracked with pain. I'm debating whether or not I should do it tonight. I may just do some kickboxing and call it a night. It would appear though, that I should be able to grapple in a limited capacity at least.

The slow build

I took two fitness kickboxing classes last week, coupled with a JKD class each. I've yet to feel any serious pain from this experiment.. I worked out earlier today, and I'll be taking another fitness kickboxing* class tonight. My legs still feel...I don't know, soft, vulnerable. Granted some of that is psychological, I'm very much afraid of the potential pain, and some of it is purely physical: my legs simply haven't been used much in the last 6 months.

I still feel the pain, two needles dancing on my nerves. Reclining continues to work though, as I've managed to control the pain at 0-3 most of the time.








*In our dojo think of this as a level 0 foundations class that emphasises the basic 10 boxing combinations as prescribed by Sifu. I've discovered that, when used judiciously, it constantly reinforces the basics, while offering a solid hour of work. My goal is to do this class twice a week, and limit my dojo sessions to 2 hrs a night tops for the forceable future.

Testing Limits

I did 30 airs squats in my warm up yesterday, added in some to the main workout. I was feeling bold today so I di Fran (21-15-9, thrusters and pull ups for time) in an abysmal 5 minutes. It was ugly, but I've yet to feel any pain. The way I see things if I don't feel pain by Saturday my hypothesis will be validated---the pain imminating from my hips is caused solely by the way I sit.

Sidenote: all that swimming and no lower body work has given me weak wobbly knees. Best all around exercise my ass :P

Battle of the tendons...and swimming!

I'll say this for Ben Gay. Sure it has a ridiculously anachronistic name loaded with menthol charged gay jokes, and it doesn't have the cache' of Mr. Fancy Pants Ibuprofen Cream with its 'scrip only allure; but I can tell when it's working. As soon as it makes skin contact you know Ben Gay is going for that deep penetrating action (sorry, couldn't resist). Ibuprofen cream just makes your knees shiny for hours, I'm not sure how much of the stuff is well and truly absorbed by the body. Hmph.

There was more swimming today. I did a 20 min time trial (850 Meters? I lost count more than once!). I've found a lot of good swimming routines off of Crossfitendurance.com. I hate the fact I'm confined to a chlorine box, but at least the routines are varied and interesting, lots of short burst speed/sprinting work peppered with time trials, tabatas, and the occasional long distance work. (I wish I knew how to go about doing a tabata in a pool. How am I supposed to time myself? Get an underwater time piece that vibrates during intervals??) If you've ever wanted to incorporate swimming into your training/workout regimen then check the site out---also has programs for bikes, running, C2 rowers.

The coming crisis

I've been feeling a bit depressed, all the body stuff is finally getting to me. Oh, and my girlfriend dreams of getting married, and I don't want any part of it.

I don't know when she decided this; I'm not even sure I remember when she started talking about it, but I feel tricked, like we agreed we had no taste for marriage, and then bam! she's a convert. She isn't putting pressure on me to get married, but that day will come, and it's got me down in a big way--that and the tendinitis.

Ah yes, my tendinitis. My taunting stand-in conscience with the maturity of a third grade bully, and all the grace of a fickle thirteen year old girl, toying with the affections of the lovestruck and luckless.

Feel free to shoot me if I stray into emo territory.

I am physically and spiritually confined, bound in taunts, weighted down with machine guns and wedding rings.

Pain

Sitting still? that hurts most of all.

State of the Body: My knees my knees my knees

There is a malformed eidolon, a shadow tinged meme, a pulpy grease stain of bravado whispering with wet lips against my ear lobe "work through it, just pull back a little." It never works. Never. I "pull back" for a few days, convinced I've done my time. My return to full throttle never works, only fucks things up: ears, toes, skin, skin, and oh god more skin left on a mat or scarred over, a new window into my obsession, an impressionist viewfinder into the emerald green trauma of the bathtub, the semen, the guns.

Ears. Toes. Skin. Guns.

Add my knees to my list of mistakes. I've got tendonitis in both knees, (technically it's the quads), the tear drops of my quads have tears of their own because the pain is speaking in a plain language we can all easily understand: the catch as catch can game of neural energy.

Sitting in this chair? Even that aggrivates it. I reduced lower body exercise to swimming, as there is no pressure on the joints (but aren't I still using the muscles??).

I have a problem. I'm afraid to stop training. I can make myself stop training, but it requires tremendous mental effort and a Mac truck full of misery. I need to establish a new rule. A way to determine when to stop training before I let it go to far, I can't keep doing this to myself. Whatever guilt or shame I may feel about the rape, *I do not train to punish myself, and I can't allow it to turn into that. I'm gonna...I'm gonna have to trust someone to help me. Girlfriend doesn't live here, so I guess that means a Sifu. Wonderful. I'm gonna love having this conversation--no, wait there is someone else.

I've decided I need supervision. I need someone to look at me and say stop training. You have to take time off. I don't think I can make the decision for myself anymore. Martial Art training has become part of my identity, I'm at a point right now where I don't know if I can function without it--and yes, I realize that may not be a good thing. It is something I may work through, but I feel scared and helpless without it, that's irrational, but so is rape and assault, and that blow job your mom gave me**.


*Also, training gives me the luxury of a kicked up metabolism, and allows me to pig out on the weekend, without training, I'm afraid of getting fat.

**I'm sorry, your mother is a wonderful person, I would never speak ill of her. She's very giving in the bedroom;)

Where Tigr stops whining, abruptly, and meditates on victories.

There should be forward motion in our life together, not inertia. We should be making plans to move in together again. Why aren’t we? Isn’t that the very first thing we should have done? Mariann still doesn’t have her thesis done. When will she defend, December? I’ve got work as an adjunct, but Jesus, I don’t want to a full time position at Backwater Tech, I want an MFA, I want to be writing, I want a degree that will give me more versatility in the leaning tower of ivory.

God, enough with the "shoulds" and the "why nots", and "I wants" my life is not at it's nadir. This isn't heroine sheik(sp?), this isn't a Greek Tragedy, or a Morality Play. On occasion, it may be something out of Satan Says, but those moments are brief, with the lifespan of a single firework; you see that red splash before you've heard the booming shriek.

Let’s not downplay the obvious victories here. One, we won. Doesn’t matter if there wasn’t a verdict, the defendants paid out six figures. Two, hello, we got a six figure settlement! We can lay down the foundation for a spiffy retirement plan. Three, our sex life is workin’ just fine thank you very much. Oddly enough, under all the pressure and strife, our sex life has improved. Four, we beat Super Mario Galaxy two days after the verdict. Yeah I know, talk about a little victory, but we did it together and it felt good, even if the substance of the thing itself is imaginary. Stoppin’ on koopas is fun. (Where were the Hammer Bros. in this installment?) Five, as far as PSTD goes, I think the worst is over for G (I hope). Six, I keep getting’ my ass whipped, but somehow I’m improving in bjj and judo and JKD.

Seven, I will be going to a four day Machado seminar in October providing me with intensive training so that I will improve even more (I think I can get that damn blue belt in under two years). Eight, I’m still writing on this here blog. Nine, I’m still writing poetry and prose. I’m on to something here. I think the superhero inflections of the poetry is slowly shaping into a shrewd cycle at worse and at best a book length collection at best. Nine, I’m living in exciting times for comic books films (and comic books in general) hell, whether I like it or not, I’m living in exciting times (ancient curse/blessing). And ten, that’s right ten, my overall level of conditioning keeps going up.

That’s how it’s done. That’s how you put the focus on the positive. It doesn’t kill the negative, but it puts everything in perspective. When I make alterations to my diet—and I use the term to mean a long term lifestyle choice not a temporary fix’er up’er—I focus on what I want in it, rather than what I take away. I need lots of lean protein, fats, fruit, and water, so I focus on consuming those rather than obsessing over not having pizza (hmm, so there is a context in which I DON’T obsess about things). I need to maintain the same outlook with the rest of my life. I cannot allow myself to navel gaze at the scars and traumas, that (to a certain extent) is what the poetry is for.

Whew!

Drilling from various positions, side control, mount, and back, we pulled out an epic 36 minutes of grappling time. I felt gassed at several points, guess I overdid it with my workout (ugh! as much as I hate admitting it, I need to workout in the morning, there are days I really need a solid 6-8 hrs of recovery time). And the workout? 5 sets: row 500m/10 36 lbs DB Swings/30 sit ups for time: 20:43. The prescribed workout called for 30 swings, but I just plain forgot. For the best in the long run, grappling would have been miserable.

Back on the mat

Went to jujitsu last night, felt really good. Learned there are now classes on tues and thurs too (finally!). Went tonight, had fun. CrossFit workout today was killer. Cindy (5 pull ups, 10 push ups, 15 squats, on a loop, 20 min) I got 27 sets, thought i was gonna puke. I'm gonna be sore in the morning.

Ah, one more thing, "passing the guard is about controlling the hips," said the rubber band.

Didn't even mention...

My crossfit workout was a real killer. 10 sets for time: 12 pull-ups/ 12 burpees. It was a nasty 16 minutes. The yoga class I took afterwards suffered for it.

"Rest"

I did two smaller crossfit style workouts: 150 Med Ball tosses for time (back and forth with a friend--yes, I have those) and 150 sumo deadlift squats. I took a bodyflow class, and 30 min of steady state cardio.

And my toe? I keep the waist down activity low impact; nevertheless, the toe remains an x factor. Things appear to be improving and then my little toe GRAZES something and the profanity begins!
Toes, thumbs, fingers, damnation these things take FOREVER to heal.

Oh yeah, the med ball toss (18lbs ball) took us 6:30.

I wanna do some kind of crazy ass sprint routine and then roll for an hour. (The kind that involves kettlebells)