We were IMing. Things were going fine. We were talking of ice cream cakes and the beach house, the upcoming summer. This conversation made sense, I was happy, I thought she was happy. "It really hurts when I visit and you brush me off for the martial arts. You do a lot of that hurt me sometimes" I did not how to respond, I would not do so for several hours. Every possible answer sounded snide and cruel.
So I emailed her around 3 am. I asked the thing that scares me, the trigger that could end us, the question I didn't dare ask even here:
"If I cause you such constant pain and suffering, why are you still with me?"
She responded with an apology and stress over her thesis, but is that a true answer or a generalized response, an unmeaning evasion?
I cannot escape the accusation of betrayal and failure. I try to offer what I can, but it is never enough. The more I give, the less, it seems, it's worth.
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