General State of Things

Did some side-control drills last night. I managed to recover guard on everyone, and all but one---I believe--was unable to recover on me. Not bad.

God, as much as I hate work, I'll be pleased to be generating income again. I need to move out of this house. Away from my father, away from the babykicker, and away from my neat freak mom (the only member of the family whom I have a good relationship with).

I'm sleeping in a little too long most days, and any behavior that is even vaguely comparable to the babykicker's makes me a bit neurotic and self-conscious.

I just returned from a lifting and swimming workout. I feel good, energized...I also have too much Endorush in my system. I may go to the dojo later and get another crossfit workout in. I really don't want to be up all night because of some damn energy drink.

I submitted a few poems to an online lit mag, I know the ed. in chief, although we haven't talked in a few years. I'm hoping that, even if rejected, she can give me some advice on what to do with the material. (I've been toying with showing these poems to my girlfriend for the last few months, but I've been reticent to do so because they are about our shared trauma, and how I/we've been affected. I'm scared of her response. I showed her a PS statement I wrote a couple years ago and, er. she took it the wrong way. This is a trust thing. And I wonder if, in order to--and I feel like a self-help book saying this--work through the trauma I need to do this, consequences be damned. This strikes me as peculiarly analogous do the decision people make after they've cheated on a lover. Do you confess or do you bury it? There's no telling what will happen, there isn't even a guarantee that it will be beneficial on an individual if you tell the truth. Hmm, that's interesting. Do I believe I am engaging in a deception by not showing her the poems?)

I'll say this for Endorush, it ain't a bad motivator for writing, but don't tell anyone it can focus the left brain, that's the purview of evil S L O W drugs like pot. Then again, maybe it's a good idea most writer's DON'T try Endorush for creative purposes. That's all the world needs, a bunch of writers hopped up on uppers. So instead of dealing with a bunch who are largely prone to suicide and drink, you'd have a bunch prone to suicide and pep. They'd get around to killing themselves much faster cutting their work out put in half, that or they'd merely do the same work in half the time.

JKD curriculum

Had a discussion with Sifu about the path beyond yellow belt. Didn't say much I didn't expect. From a pedagogical stand point, JKD is a bitch to teach because it favors breadth of knowledge over specialization. This includes street and weapons applications; moreover, it is concerned about the interactions amongst various strategies grappling, sparring, striking, and the previously mentioned. For green this can be broken down into ratios, but the higher you go, supposedly, the trickier it gets. Personally, I think the system should have majors and minors ala academia. Sifu fears this will lead to over-specialization. I don't because the JKD base skill set is striking, as long as attendance in phase 1 is compounded by regular/semi regular attendance in phase 2, as well as the study of a third strategy there is little fear of over-specialization. Not to mention, anyone willing to do all of this in the first place is committed to the long haul.

What is problematic for me currently is juggling all the damn classes. Grappling is now 7:30 on tues/thurs This is the same time JKD 2 meets. Jumping between the 2 classes is wacky enough, but what happens come Dec and I decide to pull the trigger on MMA? --The MMA classes btw, are also tues/thurs at 7:30. Argh! And I don't even wanna think about Wing Chung. IF that stands as a JKD req I am gonna be pretty fucked. Grrr.

As an addendum to our discussion I'm gonna ask him about making the triple punch part of the 1 curriculum.

Side note: Last night we ran the gauntlet in grappling. It was strange none of the pros or more experienced guys were there, except Sihing. I was the smallest, followed by that promising wrestler in the 140s, another guy was in the 150s, Sihing is 170, and then a 282 lbs-er built like a squat version of the Stay-pufft Marshmallow Man. I went first and thought those 2 min rounds were gonna kill me (Taking the now ultra hard fitness kb class probably didn't help. It's funny, the rounds are shorter in a gauntlet, and the over all time isn't significantly different from standard rolls, but there's just something about taking on a fresh person coupled with the fact you are being watched. Yes, I think there is a strong psychological motivator involved.

Brain Mush

Was studying for an insurance licensure exam. My brain is mush. It's frustrating, sometimes a meer two hours of this stuff does me in.

Officially passed JKD test. I'm a 2 stripe yellow belt. Sifu indicated 2 stripe yellow belts have seen the breadth of the level 1 course. I thought it was supposed to take us to green (?) Have to ask him about what the deal is with the curriculum.

Bad news, Good news

I'm not pleased with the spotty posting. Seems every proclamation to regularly scheduled program guarantees 5 to 7 days of silence. So no more proclamations, just determination.

Sigh, so where to begin. Bad News first of course. My father has--
I don't even know what to write. No, I know what to write, but I am enervated. Drained of the energy to write about his whiz bang cherry-banana split of hubris, stupidity, and what is either stubbornness or senility.

He had to send a letter to Federal Court in Texas. He doesn't mention this to anyone, doesn't write the letter, until he's eating dinner with mom the night before it's due. There's more to arc of the story. It isn't worth reciting. The letter didn't make it. Not even close.

More bad news: still seem to be nursing a crush. This has exacerbated a sense of impending doom. That my relationship with G is in waning moments. When I'm with my girlfriend I feel more sad than happy, more agitated and angry than excited. We spent memorial day weekend at the beach house. We had fun. Visited a few of her friends. Spent time on the beach, even went to a drive-in (holy ground as far as I'm concerned). But I snapped at her a few times. Once I even felt the need lash out at her physically. I cannot endure our relationship this way, regardless of whether we're living together or long distance. The only thing worse than the fear of hitting her, is actually hitting her. What would I do then? That rabbit hole is not worth the tumble.

There's been talk of her getting a promotion again. One she richly deserves, but I'm afraid it will be our death knell. She will have no incentive to move, regardless of when she finishes her M.A. I can't go back there, I can't live in Florida, the town of our prime years is tinted by rape and anger and stasis.
As I say this I want to make it clear I have no indication that Chastity likes me; in fact I highly doubt it, even if she did I balk at the potential incompatibilities. She's probably evangelical, I'm coo-coo bananas, and a horny, low tolerance for organized religion coo-coo bananas.

Good news:
I've unlocked the secret of the upper-cut. I won't go so far as to say I've MASTERED the damn thing, but I'm finally punching with my whole body. Not just my arms, not just my legs, not my arms and legs, but my arms legs and CORE.
Drop with the legs, twist the core on a descending diagonal, rise up with legs and core,let the arm poke up just a bit past nose level. Also I took my 2-stripe yellow belt test Thursday, unless I really botched the vocab section, I should have passed.

Money lost, trust destroyed

Remember that legal settlement? The one that put money into my anemic bank account?
(I haven't written about this because I've been too damn angry) It went poof. All of it (that was in checking and savings) As did all the money in my personal accounts. As did all the money in my mom's personal accounts.

I have my father to thank for this. The Practice was involved with an Infusion Company, and papi has gone out of his way to make grossly stupid decisions made with astonishing hubris and aggressive ignorance--he was told repeatedly these were horrible decisions/actions and did them nonetheless. In list form because a narrative would take me a week:

1. Signed a contract without having a lawyer read it: shockingly, they screwed the practice out of money.
2. Resigned contract.
3. When practice was in financial trouble, money was borrowed from Infusion company,
shortly after, he broke ties, all hell breaks loose.
4. Refuses to mediate. Even though he is in a position of weakness (through his legal bungling) and has the resources to meet a settlement that is LESS than 6 figures.
5. Infusion company's legal rep sent letter. The good doctor responded to it personally, instead of handing it over to a lawyer and letting him deal with it.
6. Even though he transferred some of his money into my NEW accounts, (a process that took 8 days) he has shown little interest in mediation to retrieve our money.
Nor does he seem particularly concerned that the Infusion Company is beating its chest about sending mom to jail. He would rather try and sue them for what he believes he is owed (ethically he might have had a point, but he SIGNED CONTRACTS..see point 1. Yes, there are ways out of contracts, but legal advice procured after the fact showed that document was ironclad then, doubtful it would have changed).

I am appalled by this serious violation of trust, I remain unconvinced that he feels any way responsible for this. In fact, I'm worried he'll turn around and try to sue HIS lawyer. In his mind this is about HIM, not the practice, not me, not mom, not the employees. Stupidity is radioactive, and my father is fuckin' Chernobyl.

PS. --how can such astute physician be so goddamned self destructive when it comes to everything else??

PSS--the process by which said Infusion Company pulled off this vicious little shit-ball coo is called "piercing the corporate veil". When personal assets are closely tied to business assets, a corp can petition to go after 'em.

Unhappy with general state of things

I feel a seething rage, pre-verbal, sneering. It flails on a straight line.

The word "fantasy" makes me cringe

I delight in the idea of convincing her to remove the chastity ring and hand it to me. I would gloat, "I've taken your chastity," yes, even though its just symbolic.
I'd give the ring back of course, that would be, at best, bitter sweet.

Random Stuff

So this girl, the one with the chastity ring, the one that gives me the school girl crazies, the big bad butterfly fever, the puppy dog mumbles--all of which are symptoms of the hyperbolic verbosity disorder--I noticed she wears stud earrings (I think that's what they are called: simple metal rods with a silver bead at each end. This strikes me as funny, subversive, and possibly grounds for a paradox in the time space continuum. I associate such baubles with pierced lips, prince alberts, and other kinds of genital, heavy metal accessories. In short, they're tools of the bad girl trade, not a demarcation of the Fine Upstanding Evangelical (I have no idea what moral/ethical code she follows, but a chastity or promise ring usually indicates evangelical christian). I don't have much else to say about the issue, other than I hope my girlfriend NEVER EVER reads these entries. And if she does, I hope she remembers the patience and understanding I showed her when the tables were reversed 0:)
(Is that first sentence even close to being grammatically correct??)

Speaking of JKD, Tuesday, Sifu informed the class of my grappling success, praised my development, and stated that if they need help with the grappling portion of the level 2 test I was the one to ask for help. Oh, he also said my grappling was "good" I appreciated the praise and recognition, but I wouldn't call my grappling good...not yet.

Tournament

Saturday's grappling tournament went...well. Despite fears over not winning anything, I had six matches and won three. In the 149 lbs and under no-gi I won my first match in over time (standard time is 6 min) by way of superior position (5 sec rule). I lost the 2nd match to a friggin' teen who was good off his back. (I still should have won it, I got jump guarded for christ's sakes) and then I beat a team mate--a wrestler with no submission exp--for third place. I then wandered over to the Master's No-Gi and fought a couple of ogres. (They outweighed my by at least 40 lbs). I won the first by modified rear naked and lost the 2nd. Both matches were just brutal, my conditioning is good, but apparently still has a ways to go. I placed 2nd in 149 lbs and under. I was tired and made mental errors, I didn't focus, I didn't really want to be there, I was thinking about, ironically, the Master's Gi division I would miss because I was coaching kids. Oh well.