State of the Body: My knees my knees my knees

There is a malformed eidolon, a shadow tinged meme, a pulpy grease stain of bravado whispering with wet lips against my ear lobe "work through it, just pull back a little." It never works. Never. I "pull back" for a few days, convinced I've done my time. My return to full throttle never works, only fucks things up: ears, toes, skin, skin, and oh god more skin left on a mat or scarred over, a new window into my obsession, an impressionist viewfinder into the emerald green trauma of the bathtub, the semen, the guns.

Ears. Toes. Skin. Guns.

Add my knees to my list of mistakes. I've got tendonitis in both knees, (technically it's the quads), the tear drops of my quads have tears of their own because the pain is speaking in a plain language we can all easily understand: the catch as catch can game of neural energy.

Sitting in this chair? Even that aggrivates it. I reduced lower body exercise to swimming, as there is no pressure on the joints (but aren't I still using the muscles??).

I have a problem. I'm afraid to stop training. I can make myself stop training, but it requires tremendous mental effort and a Mac truck full of misery. I need to establish a new rule. A way to determine when to stop training before I let it go to far, I can't keep doing this to myself. Whatever guilt or shame I may feel about the rape, *I do not train to punish myself, and I can't allow it to turn into that. I'm gonna...I'm gonna have to trust someone to help me. Girlfriend doesn't live here, so I guess that means a Sifu. Wonderful. I'm gonna love having this conversation--no, wait there is someone else.

I've decided I need supervision. I need someone to look at me and say stop training. You have to take time off. I don't think I can make the decision for myself anymore. Martial Art training has become part of my identity, I'm at a point right now where I don't know if I can function without it--and yes, I realize that may not be a good thing. It is something I may work through, but I feel scared and helpless without it, that's irrational, but so is rape and assault, and that blow job your mom gave me**.


*Also, training gives me the luxury of a kicked up metabolism, and allows me to pig out on the weekend, without training, I'm afraid of getting fat.

**I'm sorry, your mother is a wonderful person, I would never speak ill of her. She's very giving in the bedroom;)