Bodies

Haven’t been around lately have I? I was prepping for my first tournament. It was yesterday. I had two matches one no-gui and one gui. I lost both matches too the same opponent, who seemed like a stand-up guy and didn’t appear to outweigh me by much. Surprisingly, I did better in the no-gui than the gui. I went the distance: single 4 minute round plus one round OT. In the gui he caught me in a triangle. I held out as long as I could but when he rolled me I knew I was fucked. I reluctantly brought my hand up to tap, was then surprised by how weakly I tapped, then went into convulsions. I was conscious of this. Normally, if this happens to someone they pass out FIRST. I remember being calm and realizing what was happening to me I took a deep yoga breath and regained bodily control

If there are any white belts reading this or MMA guys let me tell you what I learned from the experience:

1. If one cannot pass guard in the span of a yoga breath, then you don’t know how to pass guard.
2. Do not think of passing guard as merely a transition, it is an offense maneuver that allows you to establish dominance.
3. My instructor taught me to fight for superior position, don’t just say fuck it and go to guard. However, there are plenty of white belts who do this and even from the stand up phase, call it the “flying guard” if you will. Do not let them get away with this. Find a way to pass guard before you hit the ground, submitthem if you know how.

4. My triangle defense sucks, my takedowns need work too.
5. No-gui can move at break neck pace, proper conditioning requires sprint work as well as running a hard mile.

6. Even though my logic behind entering this tournament was sound, try to space out your competitive events more than a few weeks, 2-3 in a four month span, with about a month between each, and even that is pushing it.

Also, I think the massive number of strawberry burns may be indicative of poor form on my part (no one else seems to get them), but I don’t know what exactly I’m doing wrong.

I’ll try to be better about posting this week.

Marriage

Marriage. Not a fan. Not an enthusiastic proponent; I’m not against it either. I’m not sure what it really demonstrates anymore. Am I frightened of “till death do us part?” I shouldn’t be. Divorce is legal, safe, and available pretty much anywhere in the United States. Do I fear the myth of marriage? The timelessness? The adjacent question would be do I fear the myth of divorce? Which in pop culture is often regarded as a miserable experience that is never really over even when its over. It undoes the very physics that Yogi Berra laid down for mortal man. I like the idea of the reception. I really like the idea of a party with lots of food, dancing with my girlfriend, feeding her cake. Yes. I like the romance, the myth of THAT event. I have a pretty good idea of what sort of cake I’d like to have. I saw this one on Food Network. It was a layered cake given the tilted effect, to create an illusion of instability, of wobbliness. On the top the groom is flailing about on the edge of the cake ready to take that plunge into oblivion. I believe the bride looked on in shock or she was reaching out for him. I like both models. All it needs is a Scottish Terrier doing something rascally. Is he peeing on the top layer? Perhaps he’s charging after the groom, willing to take the leap? He is most likely observing the fiasco with detached disdain.

Marriage strikes me as a profound understatement. Get Married? Till death do us part? When they left us in the bathtub something else happened. We were bonded for life. There are moments I wish she would die so I could be released. There are times it’s easier to accept. I can respect it, grudgingly admire it. After everything we are still alive, still together. We haven’t given up, but now it feels like I have a little less say in the matter.

I wonder how many married couples really understand the bond they are supposed to have. Like most things that represent “traditional values” marriage lives in an illusion. It is the thing you have to do, but somehow the requirement of the thing has devalued the thing. It has pragmatic purposes and benefits, but it is supposed to solidify and codify a spiritual bond that I don’t think most people have/find/cultivate/obtain. At this point in my life I think the idea people can will a spiritual bond is folly and profoundly dumb, might as well and try to bend a spoon with your mind, that requires willpower too.

Hmmmm

It just occurred to me I haven’t really written much about my girlfriend. I think there are several reasons for that. One, we are long distance right now and her interaction with my life has been limited. I talk to her almost every day, but since she isn’t here I don’t have much in the way of story time. Two, I don’t want this blog to be a soap opera; fights are fights but the problems are straight forward. Issues of love have a way of spiraling. Three, a modest amount of navel gazing is greasing the wheel of this blog.

The State of Things

You’d think I’d have a lot to say considering I started teaching today. Nope. English is English. ENC 1101 or ENG 101 or Introduction to Writing blah blah it’s the same thing. The schools change only in a vague architectural sense. Some are prisons. Others are disorienting Rorschach blotches, while others are just messes dumped in different parts of the city. The students don’t change and neither does the bureaucracy. As they say in Hollywood, Nobody knows anything. And that’s really that. My schedule is the only things that really changes.

Heck, there isn’t much to report on the martial art front either. I think I’m starting to develop a better sense of body awareness and defense in BJJ, and my punches and kicks are marginally better in JKD.

Home front: Shared the details of my fight (sister) with a friend of mine. He believes that my reaction was understandable. “Had I been there I would have tried to hold you back…until that last comment. I would have helped you chase her down.” He was amazed I didn’t kill her the next time I saw her. Some of my friends think I have amazing emotional control, but if so it is sorely taxed in any familial argument. Although I gotta tell ya, if it wasn’t for the whole anonymity thing, I wouldn’t be using the word “sister.” I might not even be willing to acknowledge a familial relationship, but I’ve got continuity issues to manage so as not to confuse my readership of two.

Sneer

The disgusting vapid mess known as my sister is wandering the house. If I'm not locked away in my room, I'll probably leave the house. She has demonstrated no remorse for what she said.


To his credit my father has tried to make amends in his own nonverbal way.

Slow Down Cowboys

Saw this over at Americablog.com:

Funny, I always thought being a Republican was a lifestyle choice. Now I see that they're born that way. Still, with gene therapy, anything is possible.

From the LA Times:

In a simple experiment reported today in the journal Nature Neuroscience, scientists at New York University and UCLA show that political orientation is related to differences in how the brain processes information.

Previous psychological studies have found that conservatives tend to be more structured and persistent in their judgments whereas liberals are more open to new experiences. The latest study found those traits are not confined to political situations but also influence everyday decisions.

The results show "there are two cognitive styles -- a liberal style and a conservative style," said UCLA neurologist Dr. Marco Iacoboni, who was not connected to the latest research.

Participants were college students whose politics ranged from "very liberal" to "very conservative." They were instructed to tap a keyboard when an M appeared on a computer monitor and to refrain from tapping when they saw a W.

M appeared four times more frequently than W, conditioning participants to press a key in knee-jerk fashion whenever they saw a letter.

Each participant was wired to an electroencephalograph that recorded activity in the anterior cingulate cortex, the part of the brain that detects conflicts between a habitual tendency (pressing a key) and a more appropriate response (not pressing the key). Liberals had more brain activity and made fewer mistakes than conservatives when they saw a W, researchers said.


As a lefty I guess I should be beating my chest and handing out "I told you so's" wrapped in red foil snark. Some in the progressive blogosphere see this as a vindication. Proof of..well, everything they hate about conservatism, but I'm not sold. One, this study seems to be abiding but that most convenient of Western World blunders, the dualism. There are only two political ideologies? Wha?
Secondly, when it comes to politics there are really only two tests that matters:

The Milgram Test:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milgram_experiment

and this one:
http://www.prisonexp.org/

No one is immune. Over two thirds of subjects failed the milgram. Authoritarianism can co-opt any ideological system

Shoot outs

September 13, 2007

Do family dysfunctions generate a gravitational pull? Can you avoid them? Is the only way to do it to severe ties? I got into separate arguments with my father and my sister: two people who seriously test my patience and two people for whom I go out of my way to avoid confrontations, but it is no use. The former will go out of his way to pick and pick and pick at your skin, criticizing everything you do, and when you finally tell him enough he wants to know why your so angry with him? Why don’t you take the time to talk with him? Frankly, he doesn’t listen to anything I say. My sister is similar. She took in an abused dog, one that refuses to eat or drink unless SHE serves it water or food. Her absence is tantamount to abuse. When I voiced my concerns because WE were taking care of it “I need to mind my own business” and “get off your high horse.” She had already dumped two dogs on my mother, and it looked to me she was going for a hat trick. I called her on it.

Both arguments were similar in structure. I don’t pretend to be an angel,(yet both of them LOVE to say I’m moralizing). I really don’t want to spend a lot of times on the details. I said nasty things, and I’ll say more in years to come, but Christ, I have to admit there are something I even I can’t anticipate.

My father accused me of studying the martial arts so I could be beat him up. Huh???(That’s been one of his things lately, he’s been criticizing me for taking martial arts). If he really believes that, his paranoia is worse then I’d suspected. Hell, it looks like he’s taking a swan dive into senility. He KNOWS I’m using the martial arts as a way of coping.

And my sister? In what may be the world’s first coup de gras (sp?) of both cowardice and shit slinging, from her car fifty yards away yelled that I shouldn’t talk about taking care of her dog since I let my girlfriend get raped.

Take a minute to let that one sink in.

Well, I don’t know how anyone else would have reacted, but I broke into a full sprint and she hauled ass out of the cul-de-sac, didn’t even pause for the stop sign at the top of the hill. What would I have done if I caught her? I don’t know, but since she was in a car, there’s not a whole lot I could have done, which I suppose is for the best.

And keep in mind I wasn’t looking for trouble in either case.

Both my father and sister are classic babykickers. My sister has splintered our family and my father, well, he vacillates among accusing my mother of trying to sabotage him when something goes wrong, screwing HER over, and desperately trying to lap up the attention of my sister, giving her anything she wants, no matter how many people she betrays, no matter how many rules she breaks That poor dog is just going to be another name on her list.

I really don’t want anything to do with either of them anymore. Hell, I don’t even know which one disgusts me more. I have no way to quantify behavior like this.

A few days ago ABC News reported that an autopsy of Chris Benoit’s brain had, in fact, been done. The results: the brain of an 85 year old man with alzheimer’s. Woah. In the tiny sphere of smart marks some have called the autopsy absolution, while at least one reporter has claimed that the only thing it proves is that Benoit had head trauma. Huh???

When I think Alzheimer’s I think two things: gaping holes in memory and dementia, lots and lots of dementia. Considering the accelerated age of the brain (85) lets assume Benoit experienced both, because when I hear “brain of an 85 year old man with Alzheimer’s” I don’t think “oh this must have been the early stages” I think “this is the mental equivalent of a hell dimension.”

His ability to grapple with reality was seriously handicapped. His judgment was impaired. The legal definition of insanity is rooted in one’s ability to discern right from wrong. If reality was constantly shifting under his feet then I fail to see how the autopsy DOESN’T absolve him. How can you know right from wrong when you could be reliving in the events of August 2006 (arbitrary date) when it’s August 2007. In his mind Benoit could have been reliving a match or worse reliving a fight with Nancy.

But this narrative faces a few potholes. One, why didn’t anyone NOTICE this??? Two, WWE vigorously denies Benoit manifested any mental ailments. In a company stricken by group-speak, a complete failure of critical thought isn’t unusual but missing advanced Alzheimer’s? I dunno, something is rotten in Stanford, CT. Correction: Something is STILL rotten in Stanford, CT.

I don’t think the story has completely unraveled yet. Congress will be holding hearings on WWE quite soon. They’re already in deep do-do because of the recent steroid expose’. If anyone in that company is trying to cover their tracks they are playing with fire.

BTW Short version

After yelling at mother (no tantrum just yelling) the coworker apologized. I don't think my mother or the coworker really understood what upset me, but seeing how this is a person who never apologizes I decided to accept it and live and let live

Hi there

Been away for a few days, enjoying the time I had with my girlfriend, but I'm a little distressed. Most of the visit went ok, but near the end I experienced virtual tantrums. In my head I lost my temper and shook her but never outside the boundaries of my imagination. This is one of the reasons I wanted to move away from her in the first place, learning to cope with that emotional harmonic is difficult for me because I have thrown violent tantrums in the past, never around her though. I've had a couple of major depressive episodes in my life and the last one expressed itself through screaming, crying, tossing, the kind of displays that tend to be a deal breaker in a relationship. If you've ever seen Punch Drunk Love--and if you haven't you should--my relationship to anger parrallels that of the Adam Sandler character. Regardless of the tempo of reality I experience anger as a slow creeping, crawling build, and when I explode people look at me with a "gee wtf was that about?" or "that uncalled for" look on their faces. She was unaware I was having these thoughts until a few days ago.

I'm making things sound worse than they are. We had a good time filled with sex, talking, eating, exercise (mostly me exercising) watching movies and more sex.

There is danger in fighting fools

Something happened at work today that really pissed me off. I was answering phones. Etc when my mother was relating a story to coworkers in another room. I grew up in the South during the pre Hispanic immigration boom. My parents would have to constantly spell our last name for people. One day, when I was 2 or so, I corrected someone and spelled the last name for them. Another coworker quipped that it was the only time I had ever spoken up for myself. This “woman” has known my mother for years. She is a good nurse, but an ass, loud and obnoxious. In addition she must be one or more of the following: stupid, because I was in earshot (and she, as always, was the loudest person), classless, because she has, as far as I know, a basic idea of what happened to me, ignorant, because she doesn’t really know me as well as thinks she does as she has never spent any amount of time with me that I would consider revealing in any way.

Her comment made me angry…but I didn’t say anything. And I’m not so sure if that was the proper recourse. By not saying anything one could say I strengthened her case, but if I had said something I…don’t think I could have stopped before making a scene. Nor am I convinced taking action would have been productive. She belongs to a very special class of people: the baby kickers.

What separates a baby kicker from your usual asshole isn’t that she’d kick a baby, that would be too generic; rather, when said baby would cry SHE’D turn around and get upset. “This baby is annoying! She hurts my ears! Someone make her shut up” So I risk her making a scene in an office environment that can get pretty high pressure in a short time span. I don’t know where maturity stops and authoritarianism begins.

Also, after thinking about it later, I’m disappointed in my mother. Why didn’t she stand up for me? We will have to have a talk about this later. It didn’t bother me at the time, but the more I think about it the angrier it makes me.

On a more pleasant note my girlfriend is coming to town tomorrow. She is big on table top RPGs particularly the old Changeling game. Well, the new one came out and I’ve already bought her a copy. I’ve also got her some Newman’s Own lemonade, which is the greatest mass produced lemonade in the history of ever. IF you haven’t tried it, get off your ass! It’s gotten harder and harder to find in the last three years. Hell, I hadn’t found anywhere that sold for well over a year, but I finally found a place. Now if I could only get my hands on a pint of Stephen Colbert’s Americone Dream.

BTW When I hear the phrase “Americone Dream” my mind fills with a certain Spanish insult.

We haven’t spent anytime together in well over .

I’m thinking about what happened again. Grr. I’m gonna watch wrestling….hopefully that won’t make me angrier.