A few nights ago. I was lying in bed trying to go to sleep. I became scared. bam! out of nowhere. I don't even think any though triggered it. I couldn't sleep without a night light.
I'm living with my parents right now--it's a long story I'll go into it later--their marriage is strained. They sleep in different rooms. Some nights I don't feel comfortable unless I sleep in her room with three dogs.
I think about my girlfriend, wondering if I failed her. I've almost succeeded in convincing myself I haven't. We made it out alive. Most of the guilt I felt about the rape has subsided, but now I feel guilty for a different reason. I've experienced...hot flashes of rage..as if I was suddenly reach out and strangle her, screaming rabid vitriolic garble. I would never hurt her, but when I experience THAT I get a little scared, a little afraid.
When the bastards slip into the dark the only people you have left to hurt are the ones you love. And as the poetry gods would have it, your the only one around to prevent it. In other words, I have a conflict of interest.
No comments:
Post a Comment