C.R.

Another exercise in cinema verite? Any suggestions on mixing forms welcomed. The IM is with my girlfriend.

Over the weekend I had a distrubing dream. I know, I know, who doesn't have those from time to time? It's one of those irksome disturbing dreams though. I know what in the dream shook me up, but not how or why. I can't remember the narrative, can't name a location or time-space. (Btw my toe hurts). But I'd recognize the what from a million internets away. What is a who and that who is C.R. and C.R. is the who, the what, and the where, because she's bigger than life, bigger than Monopoly, bigger than the warped trauma that got me writing this blog in the first place. Good? Bad? Pffft. SHe's bigger than both.

G9: poke?

TigrMchine: hi

G9: How are you?

TigrMchine: am ok, doing laundry before I leave tomorrow

G9: Good man.

G9: I am...uh...well, "taking a break" from tidying up.

TigrMchine: you haven't done anything at all have you?

G9: Well I did the dishes last night, cleaned part of the shower, all the dirty clothes are off the floor, and I've been doing mini-sweeps

G9: So yes, I have been doing something.

G9: I just...got sidetracked looking for the damn clorox green cleaning spray

TigrMchine: ahhh.

MarenG9: You know, reading these blogs....

My first kiss. My first grope. My first love. My first horrible, no good very bad experience with the opposite sex. My first mindfuck. The first time I cried over someone while taking a hot shower. She was my first in every conceivable metric except the one most commonly used: she was not my first fuck, she was not the first person I made love too, hell, we never had intercourse.

G9: I am SHOCKED at how many women, infertile women no less, get pregnant while on the pill.

G9: I know two women in real life who have gotten pregnant while on it, both times from taking antibiotics.

G9: I mean, what is up with that?

TigrMchine: maybe they're not infertile, maybe their vaginas are on backwards---a constant "today is opposite's day in my hoo ha!"

G9: I suppose.

G9: Actually, one of the ladies has a disorder that the pill may have corrected

G9: and then she either missed a day or was on some drugs that may have essentially made her miss a day

G9: so the pill, by causing her to ovulate, may have *made her get pregnant*

G9: unfortunately she miscarried early on

G9: same thing with the other lady who just (maybe) miscarried

TigrMchine: :/

G9: Sorry to be sharing all this with you.

G9: I just find it funny that the pill is so dicy.

Once in a blue moon, we talk. In the wake of the rape, she was one of the first people I told. I was compelled to tell her, although I'm not entirely sure why.

G9 returned at 9:02:30 PM.

G9: ok, that was totally gross!

TigrMchine: ?

G9: There was...the tiniest of punctures in that bottle of bleach I was keeping under the sink.

G9: It made the pot I was keeping it in....rust.

G9: resulting in a puddle of brown goop under the sink.

G9: Happily, I had shelf paper on under there so clean up was a breeze.

G9: But still, yuck!

TigrMchine: that's gross, good thing that stuff never made it's way to the floor

G9: Seriously.

Seeing her in a dream is a portent in itself. What does it mean? I dunno, solving it usually involves talking to her, so I may be writing her for the first time in about a year. Oh yeah, Girlfriend was in it too, and I woke up feeling vulnerable, scared, hurt.

G9: Which description fits you best?
You are a perfectionist and can't leave anything unfinished
You need time, over-prepare and hate pressure
You're scatty, forgetful and disorganised
You put things off till the last minute and are often late

G9: All of these are me at some point

G9: What would you say is dominant/

TigrMchine: in you or me???

G9: me

TigrMchine: this is like being asked "does this make me look fat"...

G9: :rolls eyes:

G9: Just guess, please?

TigrMchine: wel you certainly hate pressure....

G9: yeah I probably would have picked that one

G9: I actually forgot to pick that one lol

G9: I really like the quizzes in okcupid.

TigrMchine: but each strikes me as incomplete, it doesn't get the full scope

G9: Apparently I am 42% introvert, 23% extrovert.

TigrMchine: playing with radar

G9:

So I guess it's time to contact her. Ya know, I feel a bit weak when I do this. I contact her. I can't remember her ever seeking me out. She's very charismatic, extremely intelligent, and one of those people who sets a goal for herself like "I'm gonna run the New York marathon!" and then does it (and she did). I've seen her at her worst though, the pre-psychotic break drug addled teen; I've seen the darkest parts of her psychic landscape. Fall in love with her and you could fall into The House of Leaves. Wander a 5 and a half minute hallway and watch out, a low growl could emanate from anywhere at anytime.

G9: ok I just cleaned out the gunk in the sink so it will drain properly when you brush your teeth.

G9: You are not allowed to say one goddamned thing about the state of the place

G9: It is official!

TigrMchine: okie dokie

G9: :chews on you:

There is a piece of me, a tiny piece now, but a glacier when I was 14, that is in awe of her in that Torah fueled way, tinged with fear and blood, leary of the miraculous, exiled to a dustbowl on the farside of a nutjob's fevered, sweaty bound-and-gagged notion of an all mighty God.

We choose many things in life, but personal mythology? That's shoved up our butts by the Boogie Man at the age of five.

Nothing is erased, merely moved around and revised.