C.R.

Another exercise in cinema verite? Any suggestions on mixing forms welcomed. The IM is with my girlfriend.

Over the weekend I had a distrubing dream. I know, I know, who doesn't have those from time to time? It's one of those irksome disturbing dreams though. I know what in the dream shook me up, but not how or why. I can't remember the narrative, can't name a location or time-space. (Btw my toe hurts). But I'd recognize the what from a million internets away. What is a who and that who is C.R. and C.R. is the who, the what, and the where, because she's bigger than life, bigger than Monopoly, bigger than the warped trauma that got me writing this blog in the first place. Good? Bad? Pffft. SHe's bigger than both.

G9: poke?

TigrMchine: hi

G9: How are you?

TigrMchine: am ok, doing laundry before I leave tomorrow

G9: Good man.

G9: I am...uh...well, "taking a break" from tidying up.

TigrMchine: you haven't done anything at all have you?

G9: Well I did the dishes last night, cleaned part of the shower, all the dirty clothes are off the floor, and I've been doing mini-sweeps

G9: So yes, I have been doing something.

G9: I just...got sidetracked looking for the damn clorox green cleaning spray

TigrMchine: ahhh.

MarenG9: You know, reading these blogs....

My first kiss. My first grope. My first love. My first horrible, no good very bad experience with the opposite sex. My first mindfuck. The first time I cried over someone while taking a hot shower. She was my first in every conceivable metric except the one most commonly used: she was not my first fuck, she was not the first person I made love too, hell, we never had intercourse.

G9: I am SHOCKED at how many women, infertile women no less, get pregnant while on the pill.

G9: I know two women in real life who have gotten pregnant while on it, both times from taking antibiotics.

G9: I mean, what is up with that?

TigrMchine: maybe they're not infertile, maybe their vaginas are on backwards---a constant "today is opposite's day in my hoo ha!"

G9: I suppose.

G9: Actually, one of the ladies has a disorder that the pill may have corrected

G9: and then she either missed a day or was on some drugs that may have essentially made her miss a day

G9: so the pill, by causing her to ovulate, may have *made her get pregnant*

G9: unfortunately she miscarried early on

G9: same thing with the other lady who just (maybe) miscarried

TigrMchine: :/

G9: Sorry to be sharing all this with you.

G9: I just find it funny that the pill is so dicy.

Once in a blue moon, we talk. In the wake of the rape, she was one of the first people I told. I was compelled to tell her, although I'm not entirely sure why.

G9 returned at 9:02:30 PM.

G9: ok, that was totally gross!

TigrMchine: ?

G9: There was...the tiniest of punctures in that bottle of bleach I was keeping under the sink.

G9: It made the pot I was keeping it in....rust.

G9: resulting in a puddle of brown goop under the sink.

G9: Happily, I had shelf paper on under there so clean up was a breeze.

G9: But still, yuck!

TigrMchine: that's gross, good thing that stuff never made it's way to the floor

G9: Seriously.

Seeing her in a dream is a portent in itself. What does it mean? I dunno, solving it usually involves talking to her, so I may be writing her for the first time in about a year. Oh yeah, Girlfriend was in it too, and I woke up feeling vulnerable, scared, hurt.

G9: Which description fits you best?
You are a perfectionist and can't leave anything unfinished
You need time, over-prepare and hate pressure
You're scatty, forgetful and disorganised
You put things off till the last minute and are often late

G9: All of these are me at some point

G9: What would you say is dominant/

TigrMchine: in you or me???

G9: me

TigrMchine: this is like being asked "does this make me look fat"...

G9: :rolls eyes:

G9: Just guess, please?

TigrMchine: wel you certainly hate pressure....

G9: yeah I probably would have picked that one

G9: I actually forgot to pick that one lol

G9: I really like the quizzes in okcupid.

TigrMchine: but each strikes me as incomplete, it doesn't get the full scope

G9: Apparently I am 42% introvert, 23% extrovert.

TigrMchine: playing with radar

G9:

So I guess it's time to contact her. Ya know, I feel a bit weak when I do this. I contact her. I can't remember her ever seeking me out. She's very charismatic, extremely intelligent, and one of those people who sets a goal for herself like "I'm gonna run the New York marathon!" and then does it (and she did). I've seen her at her worst though, the pre-psychotic break drug addled teen; I've seen the darkest parts of her psychic landscape. Fall in love with her and you could fall into The House of Leaves. Wander a 5 and a half minute hallway and watch out, a low growl could emanate from anywhere at anytime.

G9: ok I just cleaned out the gunk in the sink so it will drain properly when you brush your teeth.

G9: You are not allowed to say one goddamned thing about the state of the place

G9: It is official!

TigrMchine: okie dokie

G9: :chews on you:

There is a piece of me, a tiny piece now, but a glacier when I was 14, that is in awe of her in that Torah fueled way, tinged with fear and blood, leary of the miraculous, exiled to a dustbowl on the farside of a nutjob's fevered, sweaty bound-and-gagged notion of an all mighty God.

We choose many things in life, but personal mythology? That's shoved up our butts by the Boogie Man at the age of five.

Nothing is erased, merely moved around and revised.

"Rest"

I did two smaller crossfit style workouts: 150 Med Ball tosses for time (back and forth with a friend--yes, I have those) and 150 sumo deadlift squats. I took a bodyflow class, and 30 min of steady state cardio.

And my toe? I keep the waist down activity low impact; nevertheless, the toe remains an x factor. Things appear to be improving and then my little toe GRAZES something and the profanity begins!
Toes, thumbs, fingers, damnation these things take FOREVER to heal.

Oh yeah, the med ball toss (18lbs ball) took us 6:30.

I wanna do some kind of crazy ass sprint routine and then roll for an hour. (The kind that involves kettlebells)

The Games People Play

I've been reading a few sex worker blogs. Why? Dunno something to do with Ms. Breslin. Maybe I'm just a tad nostalgic for the old wild west days of AOL when I was a gun slingin' chat host with gag power and a big ole' emoticon smile. Maybe my search to connect my remote island in the middle of the blogmuda triangle to the rest of the sphere took a wrong turn at Albuquerque or Detroit or Tallahassee---yeah, it was probably Tallahassee. "Ah Florida," Patton Oswalt said, "where the air smells like rape." Tastes like it too.

Anyway, I've learned a couple of things in my wanderings. One, I am apparently the only one whose not on the verge of a book deal. Two, there are a couple of folks out there with something worth saying. I see a lot of potential in The Panther in Pumps but the web teems with three things:

1. Men pretending to be women
2. Assholes who think they know everything about movies,
but haven't seen anything made before their D.O.B
3. Mutual Appreciation Societies

Category 3 is the only concern, once you fall pray to the horrors of groupspeak, you might as well go Republican. I've commented a few times, not intending to stir the pot, just offer a different perspective on the material, pointing out what I see as the strengths and weaknesses. Quite honestly, I considered my approach to be mild; neverthless, one or two commenters acted as if I spat in her face. Oh well. I thought about just saying you know, I'm a :::censored:::: there are things I can help you out with that most commenters can't, but I've decided against it. It's her blog, I'm not trying to jockey for some sort of authority position, certainly not on someone else's web space. As much as I disdain the groupspeak dynamic, vying for an authoritarian space of my own wouldn't do her much better, and it would ruin the spirit of blogs.

It's about time I started looking in a different direction.

Queensrÿche -

Testing testing can you see this video?

On Safari

I've been a bit more adventurous in my choice of blog reading. Mostly, it's been political blogs, wrestling, blah blah. Since reading a darn good defense of GTA 4 I've been checking out The Reverse Cowgirl. Definititely worth a read, although I don't know if it's something most survivors of sexual trauma care to indulge

God damn font tools, obey me!!

Trying very hard not to be neurotic

Typical Conversation

"How'd the tournanment go?
"Eh ok, I didn't do as well as I wanted to."
"Did you win?"
"I won an exhibition match, but nothing in the tournament."

So which is the insult? Calling ATTENTION to the fact I beat a girl or addressing it as the exhibition match that is, with no mention of my opponent's gender? I think I'm gonna stick with calling it an exhibition match most of the time.

Non gendered thoughts on the Tourney of the Weird

I got a glimpse--a flash, a cigarette burn-- of the fighter I want to become and the skills I need to hone and, for the first time, a notion of rhythm is starting to form in respect to grappling.

Technqiues to pursue
1. The lunge pin works for me. I believe, seriously, it is a thing I can MASTER.
2. That oompa-like escape from side control Right Wing Sifu showed me works.
3. As always passing the guard is a high priority, as is not getting caught by triangles, etc. (grr)

Observations:
1. I don't think most Brazilian fighters like standing, I could always hear their coaches telling them to take the fight to the ground. One of my opponents went out his way to avoid my basic judo grip. I need to exploit this. And for the love of God, I need to prevent these fuckers from taking me to guard.
2. Even if I don't think I have a choke cinched in, I need to at least TRY to make it work.
3. In November I compete in more divisions, a take all comers approach.
4. My conditioning has improved, I will continue to work on it. It will be the bedrock of my skill set.

Cinema Verite

Change of pace. An im conversation with minimal editing.

TigrMchine: hi
G: Well hi, sweetie.
G: How are you?
G: I just made blondies
TigrMchine: I woke up sore; in fact, I was a little surprised I woke up sore, and spent most of the day helping my mother pull weeds and lay out tarp around the bushes
G: That was nice of you...I know the yard needed it.
G: So now you must be super sore, huh?
TigrMchine: well right now I dont feel particularly sore
TigrMchine: been thinking about yesterday: wrong, right, missed opportunities, what worked etc...
G: With regards to the matches?
TigrMchine: yes, and I think I've narrowed down what is bothering me about the intergender match
TigrMchine: Mariann, I don't think I deserved to beat her. I know that's ridiculous, treating something like this in terms of merit
G: Do you think that about...most of your opponents?
TigrMchine: but I'd feel better about it if I'd beaten a guy in addition to her...
TigrMchine: I think about their strategies and my reactions usually
G: Feel like you had "earned" that victory more?
TigrMchine: That girl was like me, she had to train like a madman, do all the extras, plus put up with whatever sexist notions she might have dealt with dealing with male athletes..
G: It was a fair fight and you won.
TigrMchine: I keep telling myself that but...
TigrMchine: thor's hammer, mjolnir (sp?)...
G: yeah
G: pronouned "molnir"
G: mole-near
TigrMchine: in the marvel universe, you have to be worthy to hold the hammer, even the hulk can't pick the damn thing up...
G: Hmm.
TigrMchine: I feel like I picked up the hammer but cheated, I found away around the rules, shit , not to extend the marvel metaphor to far but
TigrMchine: it's like I was holding the reality infinity gem and picking up the hammer
G: You are such a dork and I love it
TigrMchine: heh
G: What does the reality infinity gem do?
TigrMchine: hmm, depending on the sophisticaition of the user
TigrMchine: you're controlling the laws of physics, which in marvel, I think, would extend to the laws of magic
G: So you feel like you manipulated this victory somehow?
TigrMchine: not quite, I wasn't worthy yet, this is a gender thing I wasn't expecting to confront...
TigrMchine: I needed to beat another male before I earned the right to beat a woman
G: Interesting.
G: Well, you *almost* beat a male, and some dude who really outweighed you.
G: Are you going to be bothered about this until you win a "real" match?
TigrMchine: I don't know; it will ruminate for a while though
G: :nod:
TigrMchine: maybe, in the pools of my noggin, I think male=aggresor, female= victim
G: Gee.
TigrMchine: I'm not supposed to beat the victim
TigrMchine: I got into the martial arts because I watched you be victimized
TigrMchine: and being victimized myself
TigrMchine: through it
G: You were victimized, too, just through your own experiences.
TigrMchine: so although I think female equals victim, I identify with that position more than the male one? I dunno
G: Don't discount that.
TigrMchine: I don't mean to discount it.
G: By this logic, do you feel victimized again when you lose a match?
TigrMchine: well I've certainly felt grossly outmatched by a few of my teammates
G: :nod:
G: You should do na blo po mo next November.
TigrMchine: well I plan to compete in another tourney before then
G: Uh...
G: I would imagine so?
G: I just think you would enjoy the posting daily in November on your blog thing.
G: Two totally different subjects.
TigrMchine: eh?
TigrMchine: well what you said didn't make any sense on this screen lol
TigrMchine: "You should do na blo po mo next November."
G: http://nablopomo.ning.com/
G: I just thought with all the blogs you read you would have known what that meant.G: National Blog Posting Month
TigrMchine: why the hell does blog posting need a month? It doesn't even need a five minute time out
G: Well, why does national novel writing need a month...?
G: This is just the blog world's response to that event.
TigrMchine: it doesn't, it's ubquitous, just like blogging
G: But...
G: Don't you think a particular time frame can give people focus and inspiration?
G: And support, if other people are doing it?
G: Well, if you don't like the idea, that's fine, David. I was simply making conversation.
TigrMchine: you mean like national eat a whole lot something something or national flush a toilet month?
TigrMchine: so am I
TigrMchine: I'm not accusing you of anything
TigrMchine: I just find the concept stupid
G: Apparently so.
G: Well then, don't participate.
G: I know B enjoyed writing during national novel writing month last November, but you aren't B.
TigrMchine: I won't :P If one is so lacking in inspiration that a month needs to be invented, then don't bother
TigrMchine: did she write a novel?
G: I think so. The thing I don't like about that event is that the word length isn't exactly ideal for publication.
TigrMchine: of course not because it's a poorly thought out concept
G: Ok.
G: How is the dog?
TigrMchine: on the clock
G: heh
G: dammit, "zax" should mean something cooler than "roofing hatchet"
G: Make up a definition for it.
G: Boo,
TigrMchine: don't like my def?
G: I like the use of it as a verb
TigrMchine: my mother is making the Krispie Kreme breadbudding
G:
TigrMchine: The vampire from the alternative universe was zaxed with the help of a spring chicken
TigrMchine: help
G: :smiles in spite of herself:
G: I wonder if you are subconciously invoking Zaxby's
TigrMchine: not sub, quite aware
G: :p

Tournament of the Weird : The Gender Confrence

This starts at the weigh-in. I'd been joking with a couple of the instructors about fighting in the girls division. THEY had a 135 division.

Next Day.

I'd just finished off a Powerbar and some water when one of the refs (who trains with me) Asks me if I have any problems fighting a girl. I said no. "We got a girl without an opponent, would you be interested in doing an exhibition match. "Sure." Now this put me in a fix. If I lost to a girl, regardless of her ability, I'd get razzed about it. If I won, did it count? Could I tell myself this was a fair fight? It was an exhibition match, and clearly I had just discovered I had a sexist streak(a small one an inch long a piece of string wide), I mean really, "fair fight" that's a polite way of asking if it's fair to beat up on a girl and a little condescending. She was pointed out to me. Curly black hair poney tailed (standard female fighter look) cute. The ref called her to tell her the good news. (What did she think when she learned she was fighting me, I'd give a million bucks to have been in her mind at that moment). She looked at me; I bowed to her with my hands at my face and went to the ring.

I had her back for a while, her defense was good. We slipped into side control. I executed half of the lunge pin: her forearm trapped between my head and arm. I used my free hand to keep her other hand busy, my goal to position it to execute the lunge proper. After about 15 seconds I decided to transition straight to the Kimora lock. As Sifu M would say, move the hand like a paintbrush, so I painted....and painted...and painted. Her elbow was perpendicular to her body; it pointed straight to the ceiling. I was in disbelief. Did I have the lock? Had I gotten it backwards with my world famous jits-lexia? No. The lock was solid. I continued to paint. The elbow went past 90 degree (91...92 tops) I swear I heard/felt something pop; she tapped. "Are you ok?" She answered in the affirmative. A few minutes later, we chatted. She had traveled 90 minutes to be here, paid money, trained and trained. I knew exactly where she was coming from.

And by saying I didn't win any matches aren't I disrespecting everything she worked so hard for? Aren't I saying she doesn't count?

Thought: Maybe I feel unworthy, that I didn't deserve to beat her.

Shit, this is gonna wrack my brain for weeks

Tournament of the Weird 2

I don't even know where to begin. Here's a breakdown

No-gi 150 and under: Apparently I was the only one in the room who didn't realize I had my opponent in guillotine dead to rights. Sifu had told us just Wednesday to push our butts out before sitting back, I didn't think I had done that, plus I didn't have him in full guard. Had I gotten back to full and leaned back I'd have won, even my opponent said he was seeing stars and didn't think he'd make it out.

Gi 150: Blech. This one was double elimination and I got double eliminated, and my ass doubly handed to me--that's four ass cheeks total. First by the guy who won the no-gi, then by his lanky teammate--the lanky ones seem to be especially problematic for me. Only thing of real note here is the former guy had this really weird game face in the stand up portion. I'm convinced he, in fact, IS Robert DeNiro. I kept waiting for him to say "you talkin to me?"

Masters (30-39) Novice 175 and Under: There was only me, so I fought an Executive (40 yrs) who weighed 190. If I insist he had the weight advantage, he'd insist I had the age advantage. I have no idea how you'd weigh those, but my conditioning was better, and damnit if I could have gotten to 6 min I could have ridden him till he gassed, but it didn't happen that way. The official time was 4:38 and it was a back and forth match, both of us working lapels, (and why didn't I try to sweep him??) he managed to get my left foot. I did my best to climb up (the right thing to do) and roll over (apparently the wrong thing) then I banged the mat more in frustration than an actual tap and that's all she wrote.

(I'm not a very strong guy; in fact, when I roll I try not to exert my strength. Is this a mistake? Should be trying to exert as much energy as possible??)

There was one more match. It gets its own post.

Tournament of the Weird

Not in the mood for a lot of blogging, just a quick note that I'll finish later. Overall, I think I showed improvement, but I didn't win, I didn't advance, and I didn't cry.

Supplies

I need to find generic under armor; this name brand stuff is bullshit. Fifty dollars for ONE long sleeved shirt???? Never again.

I bought some sort of Band Aid anti blister stick (made with real vegetable oil!) Can't hurt to try. Will be going to the dojo soon to weigh in.

Freaky Friday

I consider it a high crime to be up on a Friday at 7:40 but that's what I did. Wanted to take a bodyflow class at the Gold's, but the only schedule class was 8:10. I wanted a good stretching workout before tomorrow, how am I gonna keep myself from going nuts and making a second trip to the gym? I swear I am certified coo-coo bananas.

Oh yeah, woke up this morning with a huge bruise on my left hand, between my surgical scar and my thumb knuckle. Must have got it from working out with Sifu (the old caprine curmodgeon).
Need to come up with more pseudonyms. I've got way too many Sifus (most of which have similar male pattern baldness, go figure!)

Post Tournament Plan

Saturday evening I will hole up in my little my room with pizza, grape soda, and golden oreos. I will read comic books (am psyched about Final Crisis, first time in years I've cared about a big time crossover). There will be movies and lying on my bed petting Radar, but mostly I will be woofing down painkillers, rub my body with ibuprofen cream, and generously applying band aids of various shapes and sizes...and then I'll jerk off to dirty pictures.

What's that? Didn't think I still had a sex drive? :P

Even when we take it easy...

I wake up with bruises. The night was a lot of escapes and 50% percent rolls. I was just fine with that, but my foot has been hurtin' somethin' fierce--that's right, my foot, not just the toe but the foot, near the ankle. My lay off will be arriving just in time.

And another thing..

If I don't win my first match Saturday, I will probably cry. I have put too much effort in to this to lose. Then again, I might cry if I win! And either way no one watching will understand my level of emotional investment.

Less than 100 Hrs until the Tournament

This was my conditioning workout yesterday, based off a crossfit routine, I amped up:

400 meters (eliptical)
10 dumbell snatch (5 each hand)
10 one arm db swings (ditto)
10 burpees
5 rounds

Later on I took a fitness kickboxing class (I'm trying to cutback on the kickboxing in the lead up to T day) and I ended up doing 20 burpees there.

Conditioning wise I'm taking it easy today. Yesterday ended up being more vigorous than I anticipated. I went to the gym, did a gymnastic warm up, deadlifted 1 rep/7 sets/185 lbs (my max...I know, I know, cut me some slack I'm a little guy). Did some abwork and called it a session. Got a protein shake. I've been making friends with a couple of the guys who work behind the shake counter. The bright eyed dirty blond kid used to do Tae Kwon Do and is always interested in my martial exploits. Strikes me as a good guy, has even finger wagged me about my pinkie toe.

What does tonight's session have in store for me? Monday we ran a gauntlet, and if the past is present, we'll run one tonight, although I don't know how wise that is close to T-day. Heck one poor bastard dislocated his toe; he was lucky enough to have it pop back on its own.

Last week of Training for a while

My toe absolutely refuses to heal. After the tournament this Saturday I'm going to take a month off from martial training and cardio work that places stress on my toes. I still plan on doing crossfit, bodyflow (mix of yoga and pilates), and swimming. But convincing myself to make this switch is tremendously difficult. It takes a vast amount of discipline to make myself STOP training. I have a twirling candycane of two personality traits: an obsessive personality and a competitive drive. There is a part of me that's afraid if I stop I will never be able to do martial arts again, which is totally nonsensical, and as my training really forms the cornerstone of my therapy I...guess I'm a little afraid of the unknown.

The Babykicker in Rare Form

You won't believe what the babykicker has done this time.

The phone rings. My mother answers it, doesn't recognize the voice, tells the babykicker it's a "friend." Two minutes later babykicker is yelling at my mother. Over what? Well, turns out the voice was her bf--the one that's physically assaulted her THREE times--he apparently got pissy on the phone and did his usual spiel accusing my sister of seeing other guys, so obviously it's mom's fault!? My sister is a lasagna of stupid: she manages not only to display grandiose illogic and incompetence; she has the audacity to yell at mom, blaming her for what the nutjob boyfriend might do, completely ignoring that mom lets her dumbass stay there out of the kindness of her heart.

I am disgusted to say the least. It's pretty bad when a trauma victim can't sympathize with an abuse victim, because the latter is a horrible cunt. I've been so disgusted with her I wanted to say "I've wanted to kick you in the head for the last 6 months, but then I realized if I waited long enough your boyfriend would do it for me" But I fear the situation would devolve into violence from there.

Gettin' Ready

There is a tournament this weekend. It will be my third, and my first since october. My conditioning is better, my throws are better, hell even my grapple strength is better. Looking to score my first big victory.

last night was a rain of little victories

1. Remembered that japanese lunge pin: tapped out a newbie.
2. Drilled a kimora variation during practice, applied this during roll time as someone passed my guard.
3. Got the choke out (we did start from the back though)
4. Escaped the choke out (ditto)
5. Triangle defense IS improving.
6. One of the large guys noted I'm getting stronger (Despite kicking my ass)

babykickers r us

My sister was attacked by her boyfriend again, that's number three if you're keeping score. In the history of time, I can't imagine a less sympathetic assault victim.

She called my mother at 3:30 on a saturday morning, asking her to call 911 because her boyfriend was driving around with her pot. Huh???? As usual I'm short on details, but at some point he threw her against a wall. My mother went to their apartment and the cops were there, called by the neighbors. My father freaked out, upset that mom didn't take him. (he would have been a liability in the situation) . Of course, she ends up back here.

Sister was up till around 6 am yammering on the phone LOUDLY, with her boyfriend. I'm already finding it hard not to kick her in the head.

Random Sleepiness

I'm tired for no apparent reason. I woke up a little after 11 am. What gives?

Happy Anniversary

It has been over a year, our anniversary was April 28, and the police have found nothing. Boys in blue are taciturn, slow, not at all like their Hollywood counterparts who are LOUD even in their quietest moments. I keep waiting. I keep waiting. I keep waiting. Everyday I look at that at my cell hoping that today is the day I get the good news. "We found them...we found them" It doesn't come, this pains me. Two idiots drunk on their own ego, convinced they are hardcore, that their terrorism is the path to self-aggrandizement are still out their. It burns me to think they silenced us, that they pulled a Rolo Tomasi, while we don't even have the satisfaction of looking them in the eyes. "Fuck you. We told. I called the cops the moment I thought you were gone. I saw a forensic sketch artist. I've done line-ups."
One of them raped my girlfriend. He made her suck his limp cock in different rooms. He made her suck as I was inches from them, with a gun to my head. He asked, he dared to ask me, as she was on her knees if she was my "old lady." Someone who'd do that would do it again. He already has I'm sure of it. If he hasn't been caught for that one he'll just keep going. Where do trash like that live? How do they live? Are they messy? clean? They certainly weren't messy enough for the police to find any useful evidence. What will tip the scales of fate? What stupid mistake must they make for the case to crack?
These are the kind of twits to die in a fire fight, to get stabbed. I don't want them dead; I need them alive. I need them eye to eye. I need them in front of a judge. I want them put away.

But even then I don't get justice. Prison has become an excuse. A place for the system and its components to exercise gleeful sadism. They will never learn a lesson. Without that they cannot understand the suffering they cause, and they will not suffer on their own.